This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
