Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
