i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
