You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
