I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
