I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
