fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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