She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
