I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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