the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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