My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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