I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
