I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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