Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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