Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
