I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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