i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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