Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
