we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
