I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
