Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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