Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
