at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
