nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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