you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
