i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
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she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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