I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Houston, we have a blender
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
