I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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