I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
