Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
