he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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