i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
