She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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