Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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