I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
