im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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