dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ladies don't puke and tell
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
