why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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