I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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