even my farts smell like vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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