Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
