I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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