i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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