I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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