if only i could text you this smell
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
