I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
