It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
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