she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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