the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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