Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
