either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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