i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
