Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
