Swine flu. Run for my life!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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