so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
