He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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