and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
