So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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