He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
