if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
