Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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