The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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