Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
