everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
